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Visit Holly's blog about Human empowerment.

it’s just me

it’s just me

my heart stopped beating on june 3rd, 2013. everything good and wonderful, lovely and joyful disappeared from my life. my son took his own life, and in doing so, ended mine too.

funny how the smallest decisions become the most difficult, and the tiniest detail becomes the most critical… when your world has been turned upside down. do u want to donate his organs? do u want to donate corneas? how about skin? can u make this decision in less than 5 hours, ’cause there is a time limit for harvesting. do u want a casket? velvet or fur lined? do u want cremation? do u want to watch us cremate your boy? if so, that’s $195 extra. what kind of urn? do u want the fancy one or the cheap metal box? WHAT??????

other decisions needed to be made too. smaller decisions that hardly seemed to matter when the very reason you lived and breathed had just been ripped away from you. do u want to eat? do u want me to do your laundry for u? do u want to shower today? do u want this person to come over or that person to bring dinner? can people call u? do u want to talk to the school? do u want a valium? do u want… do u need… what should we do here… oh. my. god.

in the past two weeks (wow. only two?) i have made so many decisions. when i wanted to crawl into a hole and die, i was making decisions. when i was sobbing in my closet, i was making decisions. when my heart was clawing at the gates of heaven, my mind was making decisions. you’d think i would be pretty darn good at it by now. however, when deciding what to call this blog, i was stumped. i felt so unimaginative & useless. it had to be something simple, yet meaningful. it had to catch the eye, spark interest, ‘speak’ for itself, draw an audience. that’s a lot of pressure for one lil ole blog name. who’da thunk i would ever be writing a blog anyway? who wants to read what i think?

then it hit me. it’s just me. i’m the daughter with no mother. i’m the sister with no brother. i’m the mom who has no son. it’s just me. lil ole me. i’m not having a pity party. it’s the truth. it’s the sickening, gut wrenching, horribly saddening truth… and it’s also an important, character defining part of the story of how i came to be the woman i am today. so that’s what i’ll call my blog.

when i wake up, it’s just me. when i go to sleep, it’s just me. when i make the most difficult decisions of my life, it’s just me. so… when i blog, it’s just me.

with one snap decision, mason justice chamberlain exited this world, and took with him every single ounce of joy and purpose and meaning in my life. did he know? did he realize? could his 14 year old boy-brain fathom the havoc this would wreak on the world he left behind? uh, no. that dude didn’t see 14 seconds beyond ANY decision he made, and truly didn’t have a clue about consequences, good or bad.

if you slam the dishes around, they chip. if you don’t hold the fridge door, it hits the wall. if you get in the car at 8:06 am instead of 8, you’re gonna irritate yer ma! if you don’t wear a belt, your pants sag. if you scare me, i’ll scream loud enough to shatter glass! 🙂 if you hug me, my defenses melt. if you do a lil ‘extra’ chore now and then, i’ll buy you the world. consequences. get it? for every action there is a reaction. who said that? they say newton came up with that but i bet he learned it from his mother. http://www.physicsclassroom.com/Class/newtlaws/u2l4a.cfm

decisions. actions. choices.
results. reactions. consequences.

with one decision, you can rock someone’s world. with one click, end a life. with one action, spark a reaction. tiny decisions, huge decisions, sometimes even snap decisions. my boy had no idea this would be permanent. he couldn’t even imagine how much attention his ‘attention grabber’ would actually get. he played with fire, and burned down my entire world.

although i cannot imagine life without mason, i continue to live. i don’t want one more day of this agony, but my heart continues to beat it’s lonely, anguished rhythm. i am convinced god will make this work for good (romans 8:28) and i am believing there will be beauty from these ashes (isaiah 61:3).

until then, it’s just me.

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53 Comments
  • Laura Avery
    Posted at 16:41h, 18 June Reply

    This is awesome. Thank you!

    • Nicky
      Posted at 15:47h, 19 June Reply

      My heart is still beating one day at a time .. every day is a different day not knowing if you are going to face the world , some days are harder than others , to know that I was still here made me angry why do I have to still be hear and carry on the pain of losing your baby boy I had times where I did not want to carry on , I just wanted to give one more hug tell Nathan how much I love him kiss him tell him everything is going to be ok It is the hardest thing to move forward what does that mean ? well I woke up today I guess I have another day to love and tell my daughter how much I love her and I hug her and kiss her I feel blessed that I have my daughter the reason to keep going to be there for her …Missing my son always everyday does never go away , my life has changed the day I got the phone call ..never to be the same 7 years ago I love you Nathan and miss you everyday ! I just No how you feel and have been down that road and you do carry on and when that heart is beating and you have the breath you realize that how life is so beautiful , and to love your own life and enjoy every moment because moments are the most important that is all you have moments and being in the moment has helped me reminding my self of what is happening now right this moment we have choices and you do have the strength ! my heart goes out to you …LOVE THE LIFE YOU LIVE .. LIVE THE LIFE YOU LOVE , Nicky Hugs …

      • hollygurl73
        Posted at 11:50h, 16 July Reply

        thank you for sharing a bit of your story, Nicky. I will keep you in my prayers, pls keep me in yours. no one understands our new reality, unless they have felt this terrible life-shredding pain themselves.

  • Sarahsomewhere
    Posted at 16:46h, 18 June Reply

    Love that you’re writing your truth. You are a powerful force that has already changed the world for good and will continue to. You rock! Yes, lil ole you. xxx

  • jonesfamilyadventures
    Posted at 16:48h, 18 June Reply

    beautiful…glad you started a blg….you have something to say.

  • jonesfamilyadventures
    Posted at 16:48h, 18 June Reply

    beautiful….glad you have a blog…you have something to say.

  • Ashley Cain
    Posted at 16:58h, 18 June Reply

    You’re incredible. I’m praying. It’s Just You…but with a huge God on your side and so SO many prayer warriors who love you. Including me!

    • hollygurl73
      Posted at 11:28h, 16 July Reply

      thanks shmashley! i appreciate knowing you are praying and believing… thanks for reading & responding.

  • Laura Renstrom
    Posted at 17:01h, 18 June Reply

    Holly, I have just read this and at the moment am unable to formulate a single thought worthy of a response. Yet, I have so many thoughts I want to share with you.
    I am in absolute awe of you, your strength, your courage, your ability to accept and forgive, your enormous loving heart (which I know is now shattered), your writing ability and pure eloquence, again, your strength, your resolution, your determination to make something positive come of this absolutely unimaginable tragedy.
    Most people would crawl in a hole and die, myself included. But not Holly Chamberlain!
    I love your blog. I love reading your thoughts and feeling your emotions. I love feeling connected to you. I love the name. And I love you, Holly, with all of my heart.
    Keep writing. Keep healing.

    • hollygurl73
      Posted at 11:52h, 16 July Reply

      thanks for your comment, Laura… make no mistake, though. There is a hole that I crawl into every single day. I die every single day. Maybe one day it will feel a little less excruciating, but I haven’t seen that day yet.

  • Paula Liebe
    Posted at 17:09h, 18 June Reply

    Beautiful words… I lost my brother to suicide… Thank you for sharing… I’m truly sorry for your loss…

    • hollygurl73
      Posted at 11:53h, 16 July Reply

      Paula, I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing that… You and your family are on my heart and in my prayers. xo

  • Michelle Dickens
    Posted at 17:27h, 18 June Reply

    Your heart is beautiful and don’t let anyone rush you out of where you are. I’m so sorry.

  • Debbie Linnell
    Posted at 17:34h, 18 June Reply

    Holly, you are amazing. Everyday I read a new or two or three posts from you and all I can say is WOW. What a blessing it is to know you and to love you. You are such an amazing wonderful person who I cherish as my friend.

    • hollygurl73
      Posted at 11:54h, 16 July Reply

      thanks Debbie – your post did my heart some good.

  • chubbyatheart
    Posted at 17:59h, 18 June Reply

    you said to me the other day that you’re not great.

    but you’re very very mistaken. you are.
    thank you for your words.

  • Daisy Rain Martin
    Posted at 18:06h, 18 June Reply

    Here we are, existing in the butterfly effect whether we want to or not. So many moms out there who know beyond all rational thought that it’s just them. They need to hear this, so I will share in your suffering and share these words.

  • Sue Floyd
    Posted at 18:35h, 18 June Reply

    Your blog touched me so deeply. You are sharing your deepest emotions and the biggest loss a mother could have and then you shared your inner strength that will carry you through life. Thank you for sharing and my prayers are with you.. You are not alone.

  • Misti
    Posted at 18:38h, 18 June Reply

    You (Holly Chamberlin) Amaze ME!!

  • DonnaKWallace
    Posted at 18:51h, 18 June Reply

    Dear one, we (Daisy and I) weep with you. We are wrapped around you, holding you close. Thank you for writing true.

  • Samantha Dughi
    Posted at 19:11h, 18 June Reply

    I am so very sorry for your loss and can only hope that you will grab your strength and hold onto it forever.<3

  • Lourdes Perez
    Posted at 19:24h, 18 June Reply

    It’s difficult yes, but even though it feels like its just you, remember that all of us are here for you as well. Don’t feel alone for one second Holly, because we are all struggling. None of us may be able to truly understand your pain, but we are still here for you. And you are definitely not alone. Stay strong because I know you can make it!

    • hollygurl73
      Posted at 11:26h, 16 July Reply

      thanks lourdes- you’re a sweet girl to encourage your friend’s mama! i know u all miss him too. xox

  • Amy Folk
    Posted at 20:14h, 18 June Reply

    Holly – I have no words – just all the love I can possibly send in a thought.

  • Colleen Santovito
    Posted at 20:59h, 18 June Reply

    Heart wrenching & powerful Holly. I admire your strength to be able to share this.

  • Deb Taber
    Posted at 21:12h, 18 June Reply

    Thank you for sharing your heart and thoughts with all of us. It’s a privilege to pray for you, to lift you up throughout the day, to read words like this and be reminded that the world does not revolve around me. Much love Holly.

  • Kenyon Banks
    Posted at 21:25h, 18 June Reply

    yeah. it’s just like that.

  • Jen Dimmick
    Posted at 22:28h, 18 June Reply

    Holly you are a strong women with so much love around you! Thank you for sharing your honest love felt words. May you find hope strength love.

  • Ambika
    Posted at 23:59h, 18 June Reply

    This blog is a beautiful expression of your amazing strength. I send you my strength, so that you can keep showing us all that humans are limitless, and capable of drawing infinite life and power when we need them. Bear the pain, it will make you capable of helping so many people. Thanks for sharing the most ugly and painful, and at the same time, the most beautiful and inspiring. THANKS.

  • Natalie Mazzullo
    Posted at 00:59h, 19 June Reply

    You should contact Theresa Brandise. She lost her 16 year old daughter Olivia three years ago. She holds holds grief counseling classes. As a medical intuitive she can help you heal. (702) 597-0027

  • Mari Moga
    Posted at 01:07h, 19 June Reply

    Holly…words cannot begin to say how sorry I am that you have to endure this. Your courage and grace are amazing…your strength is something to hold on to when u feel like you have nothing. So many look to you for just that.. Your strength. Sending love and healing thoughts.. Knowing you will do it the Holly way. And that’s simply amazing. His bless you. Wow.

  • Karrah
    Posted at 04:33h, 19 June Reply

    wow…through such a horrific tragedy, Holly continues to spread her words of this tragedy, devastation and healing. You are such an inspiration for many others, Holly. you are an amazing person, an amazing mother, and will help so many other people in their own healing process. hopefully your words will help others from making the same mistake Mason did; consequences are just not in the thought process sometimes, nor how these actions will affect others. thank you for sharing. stay strong. keep sharing those wonderful memories of you and Mason. He was given to you for so many reasons, which right know, some may not make sense. you are in my thoughts and prayers every day. love ya girl. xoxo

  • Marty Boyd
    Posted at 04:44h, 19 June Reply

    You don’t know me Holly, but I know you thru Sheree, Melanie, and such, and I can’t promise the hurt will stop any time soon but it will ease with the years,(but not much) My son took his life also and the questions continue, with no answer. My heart breaks for you that you had to go through such a tragic time, prayers will go on for you and know how much all your friends care….

  • Kay Eure
    Posted at 04:47h, 19 June Reply

    you did an amazing job Holly. and you are truely making a difference on people, as well as mason did <3

  • Heather
    Posted at 07:20h, 19 June Reply

    Thank you for always sharing your heart with us. You and Mason are touching so many people. Know that I am also moved to pray for you every single day, throughout the day. And as Deb Taber said, “It is a privilege” to pray for you. Proverbs 17:17

    • hollygurl73
      Posted at 11:25h, 16 July Reply

      thanks to u and deb- i need those prayers daily. it gets harder every day (i thought it was supposed to get easier)…

  • Kevin luck
    Posted at 13:55h, 19 June Reply

    Your sorrow rips my heart , your bravery gives me hope, your words inspire me. I will not begin to imagine the pain, the loss, n

  • Kevin Luck
    Posted at 14:03h, 19 June Reply

    Your sorrow rips my heart, your bravery gives me hope, your words inspire me, your strength amazes me, i will not begin to imagine your pain, i will not judge, i will not try to understand, i will not lecture, but i will be hear whenever u need to bear your sole, your light is looking down on you now and will always be there. xoxo

  • reflectionsofanegg
    Posted at 14:10h, 19 June Reply

    What an amazingly strong woman you are to share your thoughts and feelings after something like this. Extremely powerful writing with such an important message. Thank you x

    • hollygurl73
      Posted at 11:59h, 16 July Reply

      Thanks lovey… I appreciate the encouragement, although I do not feel strong. I feel scared, inept, and incredibly flawed. However, it is encouraging to hear from readers and be encouraged when my message touches someone’s life.

  • Jennifer Keller
    Posted at 15:34h, 19 June Reply

    What a gifted writer you are. I am so so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you right now. That was beautifully written.
    Love, Jen Keller

    • hollygurl73
      Posted at 11:24h, 16 July Reply

      thanks jen! i need every single one of those prayers. xo

  • Chrisa
    Posted at 15:42h, 19 June Reply

    I am so sorry for your loss. I have two young adult children with severe mental illness and I fear this almost daily. I hope you are reaching out to others who understand your pain. Might I suggest calling your local NAMI chapter (www.nami.org) and attending a support group? You need to care for yourself now.

  • Dana Cagle
    Posted at 15:43h, 19 June Reply

    Holly, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope sharing your thoughts will give the next person pause before they decide to end their life.

  • Sarah
    Posted at 18:15h, 19 June Reply

    My heart aches for you and yours. This is one of my greatest fears with my daughter. Please remember to breathe and to take care of yourself, and be gentle with yourself right now.

  • Cindy Neal
    Posted at 19:07h, 19 June Reply

    Your words have shaken my heart to its core. Well written, Holly. I hope the comments bring some comfort to you.

  • Eloise Boshers Ross
    Posted at 04:41h, 20 June Reply

    Holly–you have God and so many friends-so much outpouring of love–you are not alone. Though i have not seen you since you were a little girl–you have not changed. That little girl with so much joy is still there. I reach out,along with your amazing amount of friends-to let you know my heart has had a chip taken out of it–I cry for your suffering –I pray for your healing. As old as I am, I thought that I had learned much in this life time—from you, I found I learned more than my whole life time taught me. You are very special and I know that in time you will be ok–there will always be that one spot in your heart that will never go away. My love to you.

    • hollygurl73
      Posted at 11:55h, 16 July Reply

      Thank you, sweet Eloise. You are so kind and so encouraging. I am thankful you are in my life again after all these years.

  • Tyrhone
    Posted at 17:59h, 20 June Reply

    Beautifully written Holly. It is rare to find someone who can share so honestly. All our love goes out to you.

    • hollygurl73
      Posted at 11:24h, 16 July Reply

      thanks tyrhone- my b-o-s! thanks for all your are doing on the aMasongrace project website! u are amazeballs!

  • Wayne
    Posted at 12:31h, 21 June Reply

    Holly,
    I’ll say it again…you are my hero.
    Love you. Praying for you.
    God will turn this to good.

  • Heather Devitte-McKee
    Posted at 13:50h, 09 August Reply

    I started my journals 16 years ago. Only the names are changed the emotions and terror are the almost same. Grief is a terrible way to bond. .

  • Pingback:Holly Chamberlain on Tuesday – it’s just me | Daisy Rain Martin
    Posted at 22:21h, 26 February Reply

    […] with one decision, you can rock someone’s world. with one click, end a life. with one action, spark a reaction. tiny decisions, huge decisions, sometimes even snap decisions. my boy had no idea this would be permanent. he couldn’t even imagine how much attention his ‘attention grabber’ would actually get. he played with fire, and burned down my entire world. (Read this entire post here.) […]

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