18 Jun it’s just me
my heart stopped beating on june 3rd, 2013. everything good and wonderful, lovely and joyful disappeared from my life. my son took his own life, and in doing so, ended mine too.
funny how the smallest decisions become the most difficult, and the tiniest detail becomes the most critical… when your world has been turned upside down. do u want to donate his organs? do u want to donate corneas? how about skin? can u make this decision in less than 5 hours, ’cause there is a time limit for harvesting. do u want a casket? velvet or fur lined? do u want cremation? do u want to watch us cremate your boy? if so, that’s $195 extra. what kind of urn? do u want the fancy one or the cheap metal box? WHAT??????
other decisions needed to be made too. smaller decisions that hardly seemed to matter when the very reason you lived and breathed had just been ripped away from you. do u want to eat? do u want me to do your laundry for u? do u want to shower today? do u want this person to come over or that person to bring dinner? can people call u? do u want to talk to the school? do u want a valium? do u want… do u need… what should we do here… oh. my. god.
in the past two weeks (wow. only two?) i have made so many decisions. when i wanted to crawl into a hole and die, i was making decisions. when i was sobbing in my closet, i was making decisions. when my heart was clawing at the gates of heaven, my mind was making decisions. you’d think i would be pretty darn good at it by now. however, when deciding what to call this blog, i was stumped. i felt so unimaginative & useless. it had to be something simple, yet meaningful. it had to catch the eye, spark interest, ‘speak’ for itself, draw an audience. that’s a lot of pressure for one lil ole blog name. who’da thunk i would ever be writing a blog anyway? who wants to read what i think?
then it hit me. it’s just me. i’m the daughter with no mother. i’m the sister with no brother. i’m the mom who has no son. it’s just me. lil ole me. i’m not having a pity party. it’s the truth. it’s the sickening, gut wrenching, horribly saddening truth… and it’s also an important, character defining part of the story of how i came to be the woman i am today. so that’s what i’ll call my blog.
when i wake up, it’s just me. when i go to sleep, it’s just me. when i make the most difficult decisions of my life, it’s just me. so… when i blog, it’s just me.
with one snap decision, mason justice chamberlain exited this world, and took with him every single ounce of joy and purpose and meaning in my life. did he know? did he realize? could his 14 year old boy-brain fathom the havoc this would wreak on the world he left behind? uh, no. that dude didn’t see 14 seconds beyond ANY decision he made, and truly didn’t have a clue about consequences, good or bad.
if you slam the dishes around, they chip. if you don’t hold the fridge door, it hits the wall. if you get in the car at 8:06 am instead of 8, you’re gonna irritate yer ma! if you don’t wear a belt, your pants sag. if you scare me, i’ll scream loud enough to shatter glass! 🙂 if you hug me, my defenses melt. if you do a lil ‘extra’ chore now and then, i’ll buy you the world. consequences. get it? for every action there is a reaction. who said that? they say newton came up with that but i bet he learned it from his mother. http://www.physicsclassroom.com/Class/newtlaws/u2l4a.cfm
decisions. actions. choices.
results. reactions. consequences.
with one decision, you can rock someone’s world. with one click, end a life. with one action, spark a reaction. tiny decisions, huge decisions, sometimes even snap decisions. my boy had no idea this would be permanent. he couldn’t even imagine how much attention his ‘attention grabber’ would actually get. he played with fire, and burned down my entire world.
although i cannot imagine life without mason, i continue to live. i don’t want one more day of this agony, but my heart continues to beat it’s lonely, anguished rhythm. i am convinced god will make this work for good (romans 8:28) and i am believing there will be beauty from these ashes (isaiah 61:3).
until then, it’s just me.