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grief is my new girlfriend

grief is my new girlfriend

When I wake up, she is first on my mind. She joins me while I work. She fills the empty spaces with her chatter. When I leave and when I return, she accompanies me. When the sun sets, she holds my hand. When the clock approaches ‘that’ hour of each day, she reminds me. When bedtime comes, she follows me into my room and snuggles up next to me until I fall asleep. Sometimes, she leaves and lets me rest. But most nights, she wakes me, just to talk. You’d think she would wear herself out with all of the energy she pours into me… but no! She is tireless. And in the morning, she is right there, ready to spend the next day with me.

And so it goes.

We spend every waking moment together. She directs my every thought.

One day, I’ll end this friendship with Grief. I don’t really like her. I didn’t ask for this. She drains me. She is too much for me, and never gives me a minute of peace. Ever had a friend like that? You know… the one who crosses all of your boundaries, who takes and takes with nothing to give, who sucks the life right out of you and leaves you exhausted after every interaction? That’s my new BFF. She’s killing me, she’s relentless, and I think she’s enjoying herself.

I’ve received books on grief from quite a few people. Books that tell you how to mourn the loss of a loved one and books that cover the different stages of grief. I’ve read them, and truly appreciate these little gifts. I’ve also tapped into a few websites. I’ve signed up for a support group which seems weird but I’ll try anything if it could possibly help. I’ve looked into compassion ministries, researched help lines and support centers, signed up for ‘walks to remember’ – you name it, I’m on it. I’ve even liked a few new facebook pages and read stories from other parents who have ‘lost’ their child. I’ve received cards, scriptures, pictures (like the one below), and while I appreciate the intention…

Nothing helps.

mersern (129)

Well, let me rephrase. Nothing helps, yet. I know something will. Life goes on. Wounds heal. I shared in my last blog entry how the mind and heart operate as opposing forces, right? So yeah… my mind knows it will get better, and I am eagerly looking for that day. I believe it will come. I lived 25 years before that baby made his appearance, and it is quite possible that I will have to live 25 years beyond the day he made his exit. Who knows?

(That reminds me of a time when Mase and I were arguing about something… nothing major, just a typical day in the life of a single mom and her independent, confident, stubborn son. We went back and forth for a while… Mason making it clear that I was the dumbest human being on the planet, while I insisted that I actually knew a thing or two about life. Haha! I remember saying, at the height of my frustration, “Dude! What do you think I did before you were born??? I LIVED! I was not sitting around for 25 years, picking my nose, waiting for YOU to show up and tell me what to do!”  Funny memories like that pop into my head at the strangest of times.)

mersern (2)

So, who knows? Who does? Tell me. I am dying to know. How long will I have to be here? How long will Grief grip my heart, and dominate my days? How long will my mind resent her, yet my heart cling to her? How many times will I tell her how much I miss him, how badly I want him back? How often will she and I go over the moments leading up to his death, replaying the conversations, reworking the details, trying to find the rewind or redo button? She is the only one who knows just how deeply I am affected, but I want to be rid of her. When will she leave???  Which book holds the answers to these questions?

Today marks four weeks.

28 days.

I can’t help myself, I still count. I still hope I will wake up from this horrendous dream. I still ask God to give him back. Crazy, huh? I still wake up hoping it isn’t real and I still go to bed hoping I won’t wake up. Grief keeps me company. She is faithful and always near. She’ll tuck me in tonight, and together we’ll think of Mason and remember some pretty special days.

mase and holly souvenir

14 Comments
  • Sarahsomewhere
    Posted at 21:19h, 01 July Reply

    Just beautiful and brilliantly written. I feel completely unable to offer up anything else except, I love you and I admire you.

    • hollygurl73
      Posted at 11:22h, 16 July Reply

      sarah, my sweeeeeeet and sincere and silly, sassy sister! i love u and i am thankful for you. there isn’t anything to say… but there is plenty to DO and u are doing most of it! ha! thanks for being u and for building a friendship with me in the most important days of my life.

  • Joanna Kessel
    Posted at 21:39h, 01 July Reply

    My heart aches for you. I love how you related grief as your new girlfriend. I wish that I could help answer your questions. I wish that I could bring him back to you. I have my own experiences and yet still I have nothing to share that would make a difference. I can’t take the pain away, bring your beautiful boy back nor ease the memories. All that I can do is love you, pray for you and encourage you to keep making it day by day. I don’t think Mason would want you to be sad, but how could you not? What I do know, is that it isn’t fair. You are an amazing woman, don’t give up. So many people love you and also want you to drop your new girlfriend. Right now it’s too soon, but you will know when it is time. <3

    • hollygurl73
      Posted at 12:02h, 16 July Reply

      Thanks for your words of encouragement, Joanna. I wish you could take this away too. Keep me in your prayers. I so desperately need them.

  • Lois Rhodes
    Posted at 06:03h, 02 July Reply

    I don’t even know you but I think of you often. I will continue to pray for you. Keep talking and sharing. Don’t give up. Time takes time.

    • hollygurl73
      Posted at 12:03h, 16 July Reply

      Thank you, Lois. How amazing that you took time out of your day to read my blog… you have encouraged me.

  • Jude
    Posted at 07:50h, 02 July Reply

    Grief will slowly diminish as each day passes, but you will eventually be able to find a minute goes by without her…then 2…then 5…then an hour. Grief takes her own sweet time, but eventually she changes to sadness. You will never get over your loss, but believe me, it does get better and meaning will come back into your life. Don’t let anyone tell you to “move on “. This is a walk you have to take alone and no one else on earth can tell you how to grieve or how long it will take. Keep talking and blogging as long as you need.
    My prayers go out to you.
    Jude

    • hollygurl73
      Posted at 11:20h, 16 July Reply

      thank you, jude. grief will eventually be replaced… she will only be my bff for a season… but for now, i accept her for the role she will play in this stage of my life.

  • Floretta
    Posted at 11:17h, 02 July Reply

    Your gift to express such beautiful passionate words will surely help others to heal. I pray in those words there will come healing for you also.

  • Debbie
    Posted at 12:52h, 05 July Reply

    One thing you said struck a chord with me…how can I live another 25 years without my child? I don’t know the answer to that question ….

  • reflectionsofanegg
    Posted at 07:17h, 07 July Reply

    Like everyone else there is nothing I can say that will help but you are doing everything humanly possible to help yourself… They say time is the only healer… Hope the next 28 days are slightly easier x

  • Kristen Osgood-Rdesinski
    Posted at 19:12h, 08 July Reply

    When will grief leave you? Honestly? Not ever….but the blows will become knocks, diminishing to shoves, pokes, and so on until there is just the occasional stubbing of your toe. There will always be that Mason shaped hole in your life, yet you will learn to build over, under and around that hole…not trying to fill it, because you cannot, but working it into your life.

    • hollygurl73
      Posted at 11:12h, 16 July Reply

      a mason-shaped hole is right, kristen! wow… how i miss him. he is irreplaceable.

  • Jennifer Moss
    Posted at 16:41h, 18 July Reply

    what a sucky BFF. I know she is part of the necessary process in anyone’s emotional ladder of shit to deal with before the cracks begin to heal, but still. I hate “seeing” you go through this. They say each step is important…my wish for you is that this BFF doesn’t overstay her welcome.

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