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i’ll keep writing

i’ll keep writing

I saw him in my dream a few nights ago and he was so beautiful! In his early 20’s and so amazingly handsome and confident, he had a backpack slung over one shoulder and a relaxed grin on his face. He showed up to travel with me. I was so excited. I cried in my sleep. I just miss him so much. I hate this. 

Some days, life just hurts more. Today is one of those days. Sleep problems are so debilitating and they make for a very raw, emotional Holly. I’m full of sadness, regret, and longing this morning. I look around at my stuff in bags & boxes and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I’ve just turned my entire life inside out and now I am unsure why. I sold everything I owned. I moved in with a friend, temporarily. I chopped all of my hair off.

I am propelled forward by some restlessness within. What is next? I used to believe I had some sort of control over my own life. I believed that by working hard to provide for my son, fending off the hurts of the world, and protecting him from harm, I could create a wonderful life. I was right for a while. Life was so wonderful. And then, in the blink of an eye, the snap of fingers, the sound of a single thunderclap, my whole life changed.

I don’t know anything anymore except that I have absolutely no control.

I stopped writing a few months ago. I just wasn’t feeling it… I was at a loss for words as the sadness grew and the pain of loss intensified. It was like the grief that stole my breath also took my words. My ability to breathe, to fill my lungs with life-giving air, to inhale peace and exhale pain left hand in hand with my willingness to give words to the sadness within. May turned to June, and along came the one year anniversary of my son’s death.

My son’s death.

Words I never imagined writing, or saying, or experiencing.

Yet here I am, living a life I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, walking through the saddest of days, repeating the same wishes and prayers, and pleading with the God of all things to have mercy on me and give my son back. I haven’t found a new thing to say that would convince the Universe to bring him back to me. I haven’t found a black hole or glitch in the matrix or some secret portal to take me to my baby boy. I am looking, though. Every single day, I am searching. I am constantly reviewing and examining and inspecting my beliefs to see where the crack is that will get me from now to then, from today to yesterday, from this moment to last year.

I haven’t found anything remotely close.

No words of comfort resonate. No advice provides relief. It’s like moving through cement. My limbs ache, my heart is like a heavy stone. I’d like to reach in and pull it out and throw it in the street and run over it with my car. I’d like to eviscerate myself and cut out the pain but it is impossible. It’s not in my flesh, but in my soul. My invisible, unreachable, immaterial soul.

Instead, I’ll find the words and put them to paper. I’ll rinse this infectious sadness out with the stinging tears that refuse to stop. I’ll keep pouring it out until one day, I hope to God, it ends.

Or I find the portal.

Until then, I’ll keep searching. I’ll keep writing.

aMasongrace

18 Comments
  • Sarah
    Posted at 19:36h, 13 September Reply

    I hope you do and I know you will. Your words and your story are too powerful not to be expressed, in order to connect with those who maybe can’t find theirs and instead, take comfort in yours.
    I woke up early this morning (late last night actually) as though I had just heard for the first time. I know that while it doesnt lesson your pain, we are all hurting for you still. Xxx
    Sending you endless love xxx

    • its just me
      Posted at 02:18h, 01 October Reply

      Hi Little Sissssser, my amazing friend. Thank you for always encouraging me to write, even if it’s just for me. It helps so much. I really does. I think the reason I have been struggling so much lately is that I haven’t put these feelings to words or given them an outlet. I need to change that. Love you.

  • Stefanie Hatfield salzmann
    Posted at 21:07h, 13 September Reply

    Holly,
    We’ve never met, but I feel like I know you. And I love you.
    Stefanie
    Will’s Mom

    • its just me
      Posted at 02:16h, 01 October Reply

      Hi Stefanie, Thank you for your love and support. xo

  • Leslie
    Posted at 21:13h, 13 September Reply

    We played the commercial for AMasonGraceProject on the 89141 TV show. Your words and grief will save countless others. I know it doesn’t help you. Just wanted you to know. Sending you good vibes. ❤️

    • its just me
      Posted at 02:15h, 01 October Reply

      Leslie, thank you for all you do every day in the lives of teens. They look up to you and hold you in high regard. I know, I hear them talking almost every day. Keep pouring your heart into them. They need more teachers and advisors and leaders like YOU. Cannot wait to meet you! xoxo

  • Debbie
    Posted at 21:19h, 13 September Reply

    I’m glad you’re writing again, Holly. You have a gift for expressing yourself in such descriptive language your emotions are palpable. I wish so much for you…mostly I wish you peace. I’m so sorry, so very sorry for your loss of Mason. I’ve enjoyed being a voyeur into the memories you’ve shared about the life you & Mason had. You shared some pretty incredible adventures! Thank you for sharing your boy with all of us so we could see what an amazing young man Mason was. I’m so glad he came to travel with you!

    • its just me
      Posted at 02:13h, 01 October Reply

      Ohhhh Debbie, it was the most amazing moment… I looked up and there he was. So gorgeous, so casual. Like it was no big deal to show up and travel with his mama. I was overjoyed at the beautiful sight of him.

  • Daisy Rain Martin
    Posted at 21:22h, 13 September Reply

    As long as it takes, even if it takes to my own last breath, I am with you as much as someone can be who has not experienced this first hand. My love for you has never wavered. I will read every word you write. It’s the least I can do. You’re still a Hope Giver.

    • its just me
      Posted at 02:11h, 01 October Reply

      My Daisycakes. You are a forever friend. A keeper, for sure.

  • Erin H-T
    Posted at 00:07h, 14 September Reply

    Loads of love xxxx

    • its just me
      Posted at 02:11h, 01 October Reply

      Thank you Erin. I need loads and loads. xoxo

  • Laura Renstrom
    Posted at 03:45h, 14 September Reply

    I am at a loss for words every time I read any of your writings. My heart just aches for you, always, every single day, but even so much more when I read your words and feel your pain.
    I hate it too.
    I can totally picture your vision of Mason. Tall, slender, GORGEOUS, and with that incredible hair! My god! Such a knockout!
    I love you my friend. Xoxo

    • its just me
      Posted at 02:10h, 01 October Reply

      Love you too, Laura. Love you too.

  • Debbie Graham
    Posted at 22:22h, 14 September Reply

    My Dear Holly ♡♡♡

    My heart aches as only a mothers heart can for the pain and loss you are feeling and dealing with. I too am here for you anytime you need, this is such a hard thing to know even the words to console!

    Even tho I have not suffered this devastation in my own life I still know some of the pain and helplessness you are feeling.

    I want you to know that I have dealt with and probably will for the rest of my life to some degree, deal with guilt over not protecting properly my own children.

    I have gone thru all the guilt, blame, self loathing that you can imagine. My child was molested and it went on for years. As a mother I realize I should have known and seen, but I was also told by church people whom, I trusted that I needed to forgive and forget once it had been exposed. I won’t go on, but there were about 15 years I couldn’t forgive myself for not protecting, but the Lord showed me that He wants complete healing in my heart. It has been an uphill, long struggle and I want to tell you that writing is what brought me to the other side and where healing began and has continued.

    Please keep writing and sharing with others! I wish I had known someone who had gone thru what I had, so I could have shared or talked to them. I felt so VERY ALONE!!! That is such a painful, lonely place! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! We are all here for you Holly and I will be praying for the healing that you are searching for, IT WILL COME!!! Your friend, Debbie G ~♡~

    • its just me
      Posted at 02:10h, 01 October Reply

      Debbie, thank you for encouraging me. Thank you for your prayers. Mostly, thank you for sharing a piece of your story. xoxo

  • Debra Kremer
    Posted at 16:14h, 15 September Reply

    Thank you for sharing such loving and wonderful words. I lost my son last Setpember, 24th. With the year mark quickly approaching, the feelings in my gut get tighter and tighter. I am saved by the fact that one day I will be reunited with him when the Lord comes to get us all.

    • its just me
      Posted at 02:08h, 01 October Reply

      I am so very sorry, Debra. There is no pain like this. I wish I had words of comfort, but I don’t. I felt like something should have happened at the one year mark, and nothing did. I just kept living and hurting and mourning. My heart goes out to you. Mother to Mother.

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