Visit Holly's blog about Human empowerment.

halloween just ain’t my thing

halloween just ain’t my thing

Halloween has never been my thing. Oh, I did it up for Mase ‘cause that’s what mamas do, but it’s never been the holiday that really tripped my trigger. Now, even less so.

Mase, age 3

As I sip my coffee and consider my evening plans, I’m wondering, “What does a childless mama do on Halloween?” Uhhhhh. I don’t even know. Last year, I got drunk.  Extremely drunk… like the fall-down-in-a-dress-and-show-your-undies level of drunk… and I had a fake mustache on.  More about that in a different post, I suppose! Let’s just agree that this year, I am not planning a repeat performance. So, what do I do? A friend of mine invited me to go to the Neon Sign Graveyard here in Vegas, his treat! We’ve always talked about going together and he bought tix for Halloween night! I declined though, lying about some other plans I didn’t really have. Sorry, John.

I have a puppy now. I’m guessing if I were an experienced doggy-mom, I would’ve known about the puppy costume expectation. Another opportunity for me to say, “Uhhhhhh.” This one caught me off guard. I’ve seen animals dressed up before, don’t get me wrong. I’ve just never done that. My little pup doesn’t have a costume ‘cause I am so checked out and oblivious this year. Hope she doesn’t tell any of the other doggies how awful I am at this whole thing. I want to do all of the cute puppy stuff, I just haven’t dialed in yet. I will. I promise to hit some pet store chain today and buy the best lil doggy costume I can find. Loosie is a pretty girl, so I’ll have to find something sweet and suitable. No slutty dog costumes for this pup!

[Sips coffee] What to do, what to do?

Well for starters, I need to get ready for work. I haven’t seen my team since they were my teammates. I was recently promoted so now I’m the team manager, and since then, have been in lock down learning new products. Big test today. I should be studying for it but nooooooooo, I am sipping coffee and writing about Halloween. The dumbest holiday on the planet. Well, in America. JMO.  Holly!!! FOCUS! I should be getting ready for work because I get to see my team today, and laugh with them, and feel sunshine on my face, and figure out ways of working together now that the team dynamic is different. I should be getting ready for that, but I’m snuggled under a down comforter with a costume-less pup by my side, and I’m jamming away at these keys feeling resentful of a holiday that no longer suits me if, in fact, it ever did.

My lovely pal of twenty-five years texted me and invited me over. SOLD! I’ll go visit her and her beautiful daughters. We’ll laugh and trick or treat. We’ll eat carbs and talk about the size of our butts. We’ll adore her girls and observe their antics and I won’t even think about the time Mason dressed up as a pimp and had a dance party. The Chavez girls were there. It was at the ‘big house’ as it’s commonly referred to among my friends. We had a dance party for his bazillion friends, then went to a church fair where there were rides and games and even more candy! Mase picked a costume that year that blew my hair back and made me laugh so hard. I believe it was called “Mack Daddy” but I knew full well it was a pimp. The costume had a velvet suit with leopard lapel. Hello? It had the best wide brimmed hat I had ever seen, with matching leopard print band. It was like a 1970’s flashy pimp costume. Seriously. I must have laughed for hours. He didn’t know what a pimp was. He just liked the style! My kid. Man, how I love him. We had a blast at that party. I was thrilled to throw it for him and his friends. Very few of them danced, but Mason was out in the middle of the living room strutting his stuff and showing off all of his moves. If confidence could be bottled, he would have made millions!


Mase and the Chavez girls when they were oh-so-little and cute! 

I’ve occasionally donned a costume-of-sorts. Nothing elaborate. Mostly just a witch hat or kitty ears. I think those are the chubby girl’s “go to” costumes. I’ve never felt confident enough to slut it up in one of those sexy nurse outfits. I resent the fact that every female costume must be trampy and expose every possible asset… but I don’t resent it for moral reasons. I wish I did. I wish I had the character to be outraged at how women are objectified and the expectation for Trampensteins and Nurse Slut-a-lots is the norm. Nope. Not me. That’s not my platform, although I admire those who fight the system and push for more normalcy when it comes to women and costumes. I just resent that I’ve never felt thin enough or sexy enough to wear one of those. Ha! Don’t judge me.

After downsizing from the big house, I found myself in a three bedroom, multi level condo in a cute neighborhood filled with fun kids who seemed to gravitate to our place. Mason loved the neighborhood. He met tons of kids there and most of them attended Tanaka Elementary together. We threw a great Halloween party that year – all the kids came over dressed up, ready to party! We played games and laughed for hours. They raced each other to see who could ‘wrap the mummy’ fastest. I had toilet paper shreds all over the place! They even filled out a Halloween matching words quiz then bobbed for apples – super gross! You always want to go first in that game, am I right?


We also watched scary movies on the big 60” projection tv. What an adventure that was! Our bulb burned out the week prior to the party and Mase was fit to be tied. He insisted we buy a new tv immediately! My kid didn’t realize that Mama wasn’t making that Mortgage money anymore! Hahaha! Hence the downsize, honey. Eager to make memories and provide the best possible experience, I caved and we took a little trip down to check out new tv’s. Thankfully, we discovered that we could buy a replacement bulb for wayyyyyyy less than the cost of a new tv. Go figure. The plan was this: order the new bulb. If that didn’t work, we were going to have a new tv by the date of the party. Without fail, we were going to watch scary movies! The bulb worked, however, and thousands of dollars were saved! We watched Goosebumps and the kids played hide and seek in the dark for hours. Halloween party success story!


Mase was a vampire that year. He was finally old enough for me to allow him to wear the ‘scary’ costumes. I held out for a long time. I don’t know why… religious pressure? Pressure from churches to not do anything scary or demonic? I feel stupid for allowing that pressure to guide my decisions. Too often, as parents, we let outside pressures dictate how we parent. What will people think? It’s sad, really. Who cares???? They aren’t the ones holding my hand now that he is gone. I should have made every single parenting decision from my heart. Period. MY Heart. I know, I’m getting a little carried away and we’re just talking about Halloween costumes right now. The bigger picture is what matters, truly. I guess I just feel like every single little decision contributes to the bigger picture. I wish I had the confidence back then to live out loud as I do now. I wish I had made more decisions from my own heart.


my little Edward Cullen and his buddy, Matt

That year, Mason was in 5th grade and I decided it was okay to let him go as a vampire. He was thrilled. Something edgy!!! Finally, a walk on the wild side. <My kid.> I did his makeup and hair, and our friend Kristyn helped him pick out a cape and costume. Little did Mason know that the only real reason I acquiesced on the whole Vamp thing was because Edward Cullen was my boyfriend. Yes, THE Edward Cullen, from the movies. My kiddo made the best vampire everrrr! His hair was long and I messed it up like Edward’s. Such a cutie pie, that kid o’ mine. You know what makes me sad? I cannot remember what costumes Mason wore every year. I want to remember every costume. Every expression. Every party. Every event. I cannot stand the fact that my memory betrays me. Why can’t I be given the gift of perfect memory? Especially now. He’s gone!!!! All I have left are my memories, and I swear I will be in a home soon as a dementia patient. My memory is fading, and the harder I try to cling to some details, the faster they escape me. It’s just not fair.


6th grade. Mase (aka Mario) and his gang of hooligans.

Something I do remember, though, are the smiles that lit up his face when we would trick or treat at the Vravisizzle’s house. Their name is really Vravis, but you know how Mason and I love a good nickname. The Vravisizzles dress up every year, deck out their garage, and hand out full size candy bars. COME ON! Hog heaven, and my kid loved being around them. Their neighbor chased us through the streets with a chainsaw… how psycho is that?!?!?! Well, actually, he just stood at the end of the street, smack dab in the middle of the road, and stared at us. But in my mind, we were being chased. I love the new commercial out right now about making bad decisions when you’re in a scary movie… have you seen it? Hysterically funny. “Let’s go into the shed with chainsaws!” “No, let’s get into the car that’s running!” “Wait, a cemetery… let’s go there!”  My bad decisions on Halloween include being even remotely close to the guy with a chainsaw. Super scary.


Just trying on wigs for fun

We have a Scream Park in Vegas every year that most teens love to go to… I went one year with Mason and Game (a Thai girl who came to live with us for a few years – oh how we love her still!). I am such a chicken that I run when the scary characters even look at me. I swear I have to ‘pad up’ before going anywhere at night in October. I scream and pee my pants at the drop of a hat! When Game and Mase and I went to the scream park, a zombie approached us for the scare. I pushed Mason directly in front of him, shoved Game out of the way, and took off running thrugh the crowd. Um, hello? Mother of the Year just abandoned her kids, no, sacrificed her kids to the zombie to save her own life. I amaze even myself sometimes. The fear was real. So real, in fact, that later on we were in line waiting for a ride and a regular guy accidentally bumped into me and got the scream of his life! I couldn’t stop. Even. After. I. Knew. There. Was. No. Danger.


An example of what my face looks like when being terrorized and chased by zombies…

Yeah, that about sums up my love-hate relationship with Halloween. Sometimes I do it up right, and other times (like today) I completely miss the mark.  I have so many great memories of making this holiday a fun one for my boy. Ohhhhhh, how I wish he was still here. I’d do cartwheels and jumping jacks and spend a fortune just to make one more holiday memory for him. I’m thankful to have amazing friends inviting me to be with them today. I’m thankful for the witch hat I’ve saved over the years, ‘cause it looks like I won’t be a Sexy Anything this year. Just not feeling it, again.  Maybe I’ll make up for my lackluster performance and be a cat AND a witch this year! Whiskers on a witch? It could work. At the very least, I promise to find some sort of get up for Loosie-gurrrrl. We have some trick or treating to do with friends and we cannot show up all normal and stuff.

Speaking of normal, I guess I had better throw some clothes on and get to work. Reminiscing won’t change anything. It’s time to just get on with the day.  Happy Halloween!!! Make some memories would ya?




A costume designer with a flair for the dramatic from a very early age… this is Mase in just a grocery bag. Nailed it!




Kindergarten yearbook. Awesome find!


Our Last Halloween together…

He had a blow up ostrich to ride and I was in scrubs as a Medical Assistant. Told ya, Halloween just ain’t my thing!


  • Sarah
    Posted at 22:43h, 04 November Reply

    So glad you are writing again. Well done on the photos, I love seeing all of Mase’s crazy costumes and reading about your Halloween adventures together. How did Loosie fare on the costume front? Don’t worry about it not being your thing anymore. With so many memories made with Mason it would be impossible to beat. I say if it doesn’t feel right, don’t force it. Life has changed in such a big (and devastating) way that no-one expects you to be jumping for joy on holidays xoxox Love you xoxox

    • its just me
      Posted at 04:12h, 06 November Reply

      Sadly, I ran out of time… Loosie went as herself. 🙂 Oddly enough, she still loves me and hasn’t said a word about it. I had a great evening with Melissa and her girls and slept soundly in a home filled with love. I couldn’t have planned it any better. (I’m glad I am writing again too! I write myself to sleep in my head… I just need to get my laptop out more often!)

      • Shannon Holt
        Posted at 06:30h, 14 November Reply

        I’m also glad you are writing again.

        • its just me
          Posted at 21:03h, 17 November Reply

          Thank you, Shannon. I hope it helps someone, somewhere.

  • Freya Remmer
    Posted at 20:22h, 26 December Reply

    Hi Holly. I am friends with Daisy rain. We went to college together, and I see your link on her Facebook posts. I always read them when I see them. I think about you and pray for you a lot. My son Zane died two years, one month and 16 days ago. He was two years old. Two years nine months and 21 days old. I know you understand about counting days. So I know some of your pain, although I have two other children and I know the suicide part is so devastatingly hard for u… I read your posts with all of your questions and all of your pain, and I just want you know that I weep with you. My radar is highly alerted for suicide too, now. I teach high school English so I am always watching my highschooler’s carefully. I’m sorry that you lost Christmas and all of the holidays like you did when you lost Mason. I hope you enjoy the rest of your time in Mexico. I wanted to tell you to that Mason in the garbage bag in the picture above is stinking adorable! What a darling, amazing boy he was and is. I’m Looking forward to the day of being reunited with my son… Along with you.

    • its just me
      Posted at 15:43h, 30 December Reply

      Freya, thank you for messaging me on facebook and via the blog. We will weep together. We will count together. We will also believe for a reunion… what an amazing day that will be. xo

Post A Comment